Just for the record, I'm not particularly honest or brave. For some reason, several people have responded to my giving them the news that I'm trans with praise of my courage and honesty. While it's sweet of them, I don't think it's really true.
To my mind, courage would mean overcoming one's fear to do something for a lofty goal. That's not me - I'm no more courageous than someone jumping off a sinking ship. Sure the water's cold and I might drown, but if I don't, I'm sure to go down.
Likewise, finally telling the truth after over 50 years of concealing it is hardly a praiseworthy example of honesty. Here again, I'm no more honest than a child who's stolen some candy and ifinally can no longer live with the secret and confesses. Yes, it was hard to finally start telling the truth, yes, it seemed impossible to do so earlier, but others have done so earlier and with more grace.
In a really different context, people have told me I was brave and made choices. I hadn't felt like I was brave or making choices -- it was do what I needed to do, or die -- even though it was in the face of social censure. Sometimes people try to tell me that was brave. I still don't know what I think of that. I just know I wasn't done yet, so I did what needed doing (trauma recovery, and being honest about it instead of hiding it) instead of dying.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you well enough, and I'm cis, but I have enough transgender friends to suspect you are doing what you need to do to keep going -- as you say, jumping off a sinking ship.
Some people would rather stay out of the water as long as possible, even if it means a lesser chance of survival.
So... good for you for jumping.