I've just looked back over these posts... I'm sort of struck by how negative they all are. Honestly my journey hasn't been as dark as those posts might imply. I've posted mainly for two reasons - to let people know what I was doing, so that I wouldn't have to write the same emails over and over again, and I've posted to help myself face and deal with my doubts.
Unfortunately, the doubts have gotten more prominence than they deserve. That's partly the effect of having to slog away in guy mode, keeping everything thing secret as the details of transition got worked out. That was tremendously isolating and tiring. It's also partly because nothing helps me work out my own thinking/feeling about an issue quite as well as writing something about it, particularly something that's going to be posted. That process forces me to think more clearly, to reflect more deeply, and ultimately helps me come to a decision better than anything else.
In turn, many of the positive things haven't needed that process and so haven't been "important" enough to be mentioned - things like the lift my spirits got when I could go out as myself, the pleasure of seeing someone a bit more familiar in the mirror, and above all, the support of friends.
Today, as I've said before, I leapt off the cliff... my name change became official and the rest of transition was set in motion for the rest of this week. And to equip me for this, I recieved two gifts from dear friends far away.
One of those gifts was practical - a magic bubble to surround me and ward off any negative thoughts. It's really quite amazing - it totally surrounds me and totally deflects the negatives - you can just see them bounce off and float away. And even better, it's an extensa-bubble so it automatically grows to surround all my friends. The friend that gave it was quite insistent that I use it, and so far it has worked brilliantly.
The other gift is even more poetic - a pair of wings so that when I leap, I will soar and fly away and end up home. They are beating strongly and bearing me up over the mountains ahead.
So thank you for those gifts, and thank you to all of my friends for your warm thoughts and support.